The other milestones

The first time your kid eats something off the filthy floor at the grocery store/bank/fast food joint: 

Unless it was a stray Xanax or one of those dishwasher packets, then you’ll need to just get over it. Trying to clean the mouth with baby wipes only makes things worse. 

The first time your kid tells you to go away and send in the other parent: 
If you spend too much time thinking about your hurt feelings, you will miss the opportunity to watch Netflix and check your Facebook and have a snack without sharing while the poor bastard in the other room tries to put your shrieking banshee to bed. 

The first time your kid snubs another kid: 
Personally, I was of two minds about this. As a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, I appreciate not wanting to make tedious small talk with strangers. As a parent, I don’t want people to think my kid is an unsocialized asshole. 

The first time she calls you by your first name: 
This will be funny when it happens to your spouse. And then she’ll do it to you, and that’ll fix your wagon. 

The first time you have to call Poison Control:
FYI, eggshells full of coffee grinds are not toxic. 

The first toddler-friendly iPad app:
The first day we got our iPad, my husband (the *SOB*) downloaded a Dora app. I paid for the frigging thing, and now I have to wait until she is asleep to use it. She currently has more apps than me. 

The first time they use a curse word: 
No, he didn’t say “duck” or “sit.” Nice try. 

The first time they cop an attitude:
Key indicators that this milestone have been reached include the loud shouting of “No way!” “Stop that!” “Don’t want it!” “That’s yucky!” If your blood boils and you’re seeing red with frustration, you’re probably there. Congrats to you. 

The first time they climb up on your lap while you’re sitting on the toilet trying to poop:
Lucky for you, if you didn’t bring any reading material with you to the bathroom, they will probably let you read Barnyard Dance with them. 
If you’re one of those people who can’t poop in public bathrooms because you’re afraid other people will hear, you are totally fucked. 

The first time they actually understand that they have caused you serious pain: 
Mine was a drawer in the face. My scream of pain frightened her, so I had to comfort her instead of putting some ice on my goose-egg and checking to make sure my pupils were the same size. 

The first time they pull your pants down in public:
Chances are good that this will occur while you are in a packed elevator and/or wearing your “laundry day” underpants and/or mid-tantrum to ensure that everyone is staring at that critical moment.


The first time they say “I love you.”
I guarantee that you will immediately Google “where to buy a pony.”  


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