The modern classics

If some of the classics had been written today, the stories would be quite different, wouldn’t they?

Oliver Twist asked for “some more” Cheerios after refusing to eat his delicious and lovingly prepared supper. He was given some more, and then refused to eat them, tossing them to the floor.

Wendy toiled away at two jobs to pay the bills while Peter Pan spent his days playing Xbox. Eventually she ran off with his stepfather, Captain Hook, a ruthless Wall Street trader with a yacht and a housekeeper.

Rip Van Winkle‘s wife had twins, so he only dreams about sleeping for a hundred years. He would settle for an hour-long nap.

The Poky Puppy sped things up once his mother bribed him with gummy bears and a new DS game.

Winnie the Pooh had gastric bypass, so none of that embarrassing stuck-in-a-hole business ever happened. With his new found confidence, he went on to be a pop singer known as P. Winnie. His success was marred by his penchant for hookers.

Goodnight Moon ….goodnight room, goodnight iPod, goodnight DVD player, goodnight cat meowing to be fed, goodnight toys that never get played with, goodnight pajamas of the wrong colour now crumpled on the floor, goodnight dust bunnies in the corners, goodnight rancid glass of milk under the bed, goodnight mama who fell asleep before she finished the story…zzzz….

The Velveteen Rabbit spent a month tightly sealed in a garbage bag in the attic because the whole family got lice. He emerged reeking of tea tree oil and shame.

The Runaway Bunny‘s mama got wise activated the “Find my iPhone” setting on his phone, so she always knew where he was.

And finally in Sleepy Hollow, Ichabod Crane learned the shocking truth behind the headless horseman: he left his granola bar wrappers on the counter one too many times and his wife ripped his head off.


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